August 29, 2005

• I don’t
  want to live. I don’t see a point to live. It sounds suicidal, and it is.
  That’s pretty bad if you ask me, if I’m thinking about death as an option. I’m
  so sick of life. I don’t see any good in living. What is the good in me living?
  Apparently my parents hate me because I am not a “good” daughter. Even though I
  have good grades and try to help them at home. But to them, I am not a good
  daughter.

   

  I sit in
  traffic for an hour and a half today because I was wet from the rain, tired and
  hungry. I tired to come home early so that I could go to the store so my mom
  could leave for a bit. I come home and I’m dead tired so I’m like it’d be
  better if I take a nap and then go. But my dad decides to go and then my mom
  comes home and awakes me up. She’s like where have you been? Why didn’t you
  come? I’m like I wanted to take a 20-minute nap and then come. She’s like “I’ve
  been working since 6am, you don’t care about us being hungry or tired”. This is
  what I have to listen to every single day of my miserable life. I hear nothing
  nice from anyone from my family.

   

  But wait,
  this was not the first time I got bitched at this morning. As walk inside the
  kitchen this morning to eat breakfast my brother is sitting there watching TV.
  I ask him if he’s got a day of from his job. He’s like yeah. So I, like usual
  get my breakfast ready. And then he starts to tell me I need to go to the store
  and that I’ve been lazy because I don’t do anything. I’m like well I’m trying
  but it’s hard. I still haven’t gotten used to commuting everyday. And he’s like
  “nobody cares, I did it when I was in college and so can you”. I’m like I’m not
  you. He’s like I don’t care.

   

  So I’m like
  whatever. I ask him if I can watch TV, he’s like no. I’m like I’m eating can I
  watch? He’s like that’s not my problem. So I’m like whatever. I try to eat and
  I’m like I can’t eat like this, while he’s watching over me and thinking he’s
  better then me because he told me off. So I leave without eating with my food
  sitting on the table. He asks where are you going, seeing that I’m on the verge
  of tears in my eyes. I don’t respond and he’s like whatever.

   

  Tell me if
  dealing with all of this wouldn’t make any sane person go crazy. I’ve cried all
  day today. And I’m still crying as I am typing this.

   

  After my so-called
  nap, I check my voice mail and my mom is yelling at me saying, “how long are
  you going to stop goof off and when are you going to stop, you don’t even care
  if anyone is dying of hunger.” I’m like what in the world. Why do you have to
  be so extreme? I had called her at 6:50 p.m. that I was still in traffic. At 7:00
  I have gotten out of traffic and came home. I wanted to take a 20-minute nap. Was
  that too much to ask for?  

  If someone
  told me I was going to die tomorrow, I’d be like great! Thank god finally I don’t
  have to wait. I’m so sick and tired of my life. I honestly am. Hopefully, this
  misery will end soon.

   

  • 8:09 pm
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